Action for M.E.

Girlfriend / Boyfriend

Dreaming about or having a girlfriend or boyfriend carries with it lots of different emotions. It can be an exciting, fun and adventurous time but it can also be upsetting and confusing.

Having M.E. can make this whole process more complicated and frustrating. You may not be able to get out as much as you'd like; you have to explain how your M.E. affects you; and your partner has to be able to cope with the ups and downs of the illness.

Being single

If all your friends have girlfriends or boyfriends you can feel really left out. The up side is you only have to think about yourself. You can make the most of it by doing the things you want to do. Relationships often mean compromise and you have to agree to do things you both want to do.

Finding a girlfriend or boyfriend

It's impossible to predict when you're going to meet someone. Making new friends can lead to closer relationships, so always keep an open mind:

Remember it's up to you who you like, not your best friend or your sibling. If you like someone for who they are, stick to your guns and get to know them better. Don't be fooled by image though. Flash dressing or big talk may impress but check out the person underneath; do they have the qualities that you're looking for?
Have a think about what's important to you, what do you value and who do you admire? When you are looking for a girlfriend or boyfriend it helps if you share these views or at least come some way close.
Being able to talk about all sorts of things is important if the relationship is going to last. Having M.E. will mean that you will have to explain clearly how you feel and what you are able to do.
When you are able to get out and meet people, feeling and being confident about yourself can be attractive to other people. If you come across as desperate, it will frighten off most people!

Dating

Many young people with M.E. use the Internet to access all kinds of information. You may already have used the Internet for online dating. This can be a safe and fun way of meeting people as long as you remember:

You shouldn't give out your email address or phone number.
You should trust your instinct; if your 'conversation' doesn't feel right or the other person gets abusive, block them immediately.
You shouldn't believe everything the other person says! Take time to get to know them and ask questions.

Whether you are dating someone that you know already or you are meeting someone for the first time, you might like to consider:

Always meet in a public place that you know well and make sure you let someone else know where you're going. You could always phone your friend during your date to let them know you're ok.
Make sure you organise your own transport and don't accept a lift home on the first date, as this would reveal your address.
If you have M.E., meeting at lunchtime may be more convenient.

You can do a lot to help boost your confidence when it comes to dating, whether you are male or female. Check out useful links for tried and tested advice. Having M.E. often reduces your confidence levels, so these top tips may help you.

Splitting up

It's difficult for both parties when a relationship finishes. If you've been dumped then it can be even harder to figure out what went wrong. This is a good time to rely on your friends to help pick you up, but the real healer will be time. The more distance between you and the break-up, the easier it is to put things into perspective.

If the relationship has finished there is usually a good reason. It's best to accept that it has happened and try and move on. Don't waste time trying to get them back, instead spend time on yourself and maybe do some thinking.

Get rid of things that remind you of the relationship, particularly photos. Having a 'spring clean' will help you move on and prevent you dwelling in the past. Be aware that if you had some mutual friends you are bound to lose some after the break-up. This can help you realise who your real friends are.

Coming out

Telling people that you are gay can be one of the hardest things you'll do. It can raise all sorts of anxieties such as who to tell, what to tell them and how to tell them. You have to be sure that it's the right time for you. Seeking some advice from the organisations in useful links will help make the process easier.

Some people decide that it's just easier not to tell everyone and keep their private lives to themselves.

Violent or abusive relationships

Through no fault of your own, you may find yourself in an abusive relationship. It may be physical or mental abuse, such as controlling behaviour, extreme jealously if you go out or talk with your friends, possessiveness or a drug/ alcohol problem, which results in violence. These are all unacceptable in any relationship.

No one should be afraid of their partner or prevented from making choices about their lives. Abusers can often be really pleasant to everyone else and this may result in you mistakenly thinking that it must be your fault, or there's something wrong with you.

If you think you are in an abusive relationship you should seek help and advice before the situation gets any worse.

Information produced April 2004